Originally published last February. Just re-reading this makes me feel edgy.

1. Buy and consume large quantities of food with added sugar . Eat a lot of them, and then some. You know what I’m talking about – packaged cookies, snack cakes, candy bars, store-bought doughnuts, and ice cream. Don’t worry about the sugar – just eat until your heart’s content. And about those power naps you feel like taking in the afternoon, don’t worry, your body isn’t trying to tell you anything.  So take your nap, but be sure to have a super-jolt cola after you wake up to jump start your drive home.

2. Sit at the computer a lot and never move. Better yet, sit around all day at work and never move. Then come home from work, tired from sitting, plop down in front of the TV, or computer, and never move until you go to bed. The ecomony is bad, so the good news is you won’t wear your shoes out. Who needs to spend time outdoors, or likes fresh air, anyway. Ick.

3. Drink lots of soda– regular or diet – it doesn’t matter. Just load up on the soda. Be sure it has a lot of caffeine, and if at all possible, make it an energy drink.

4. While you’re at it drink lots of other beverages, too, except filtered tap water. Cafe mochas, frappubeanos, lagers, ales, wine, margaritas, juice, sweetened tea, bring it on. Always have a quart-sized drink with you when you’re in the car, walking from your car to the super center, or sitting beside your chair while you watch TV or play the X-box. You can’t be too thirsty.

5. Don’t plan your meals, just let them happen willy nilly. Always have your credit card, or some cash, on hand for times when those cravings hit you, or your family, while you’re in the car. Food is available all hours of the day and night so don’t worry. Anytime you want food, even if you don’t feel hungry, just pull up to the local fast food joint and they’ll fill your belly. It’s that easy. And if you don’t feel like driving just pick up the phone, or log onto the computer, and someone will deliver your food right to your couch.

6. Avoid grocery shopping. Yes, avoid, at all costs, going to the supermarket, or the produce market. It takes an hour so why waste your time? Avoid buying fresh fruits and vegetables while you’re at it. They’re so expensive. And they just go bad before they’re eaten. Plus, those darn berries, greens, and oranges are so darn colorful. They hurt my eyes. (And they make me say darn twice.)

7. Avoid the kitchen and cooking. Don’t be a control freak. Cooking is a thing of the past, and not for us real women (and men.) Buy food you can pop in the microwave and assemble with little thought, skills, or planning. And while you’re at it, don’t worry about the ingredient lists a mile long on your assembled food. So what if you can’t read the name of half the ingredients you’re putting in mouth? At least it tastes good.

8. Skip meals. Skip breakfast. Why even eat?

9. Eat most of your meals and food late at night. After the rest of the people you live with are fast asleep, pull out the ice cream, cookies, beer, and popcorn and have a party. It’s more fun when you’re alone and you don’t have to share the food with anyone.

10. And last, but not least, don’t forget to sit around and complain about how bad you feel, how tired you are. Act surprised when you haven’t been able to shed that 15 pounds you vowed to lose this new year. Now go searching for the lastest diet book or guru to tell you what to do and exactly what to eat. That’ll work.